Dealing with the anxiety of it all

About two weeks ago school closed and that was the moment this became real to me (kinda). I had less than 48 hours to leave, and seeing as I live in a different state, that was hard to deal with. Anyhoo, we left with the potential resumption date of mid April.

Now back to the beginning. I’m dealing with anxiety; it’s undiagnosed, but it’s there and demanding. I get triggered by the usual things, thinking of the future, the prospect of speaking to an authority figure, or a stranger, or in a group. Sometimes it’s terrible and I start to feel my body shut down, sometimes it’s just a mild increase in my heart rate and a barely noticeable headache, or nausea. I have a stress bull, his name is Damian Black. Damian seems like a badass name and he’s black so…

As you can tell, this period has been hard for me. There’s a lot of uncertainty in my future. I’m not used to uncertainty, I planned my career path when I was 8. I like to know things, I hate having to imply or assume; naturally, hints completely go over my head.

Well, I have somehow avoided the stress so far by focusing on the one thing I know for sure (well as sure as I can be), I’ll be back in school by mid April. That allows me take things day by day. So, I’m reading my books, watching The Bold Type – you should definitely check that out – and trying to upskill, whilst having at the back of my mind that this will be over soon.

Is this “hope” false? Based on the available data, yes, but I’m not thinking about that. I’ve found that it’s easier to focus on one sure thing and let that drive my life than keep looking at all the uncertainties that exist.

Is this a bad strategy? Probably. We’re most likely not resuming in two weeks, the virus is still going strong and the government is still pretty clueless. And maybe I should think about that, but I don’t want to. I’m not going to allow myself be reduced to an anxious mess. I like control, and I’m going to hold on to it, or the illusion of it for as long as I can.

You can here to get advice, so here’s some:

Think of something you really want (a piercing, tattoo, a dozen donuts to eat all by yourself), and focus on the day you can get that. Make that your happy place, go there whenever all of this is getting to you.

Also, stop watching the fucking news. Watch a comedy, read a book, go into learning mode, just stop watching the damn news.

P.S. I used to hate donuts. I blame Favour and Wetalu for this.